‘I was dreading my first Christmas without mum’

Hi, I’m Caroline and I’m a single 35-year-old living and loving life in Ascot. I was diagnosed with bipolar type 2 when I was only 15 so I have lots of experience dealing with the highs and the lows.

Christmas is glitzy, sparkly, shimmery, magical, and now it’s definitely my favourite time of year. But it hasn’t always been that way. A few years ago, it was only thanks to the support I got from Bipolar UK that I was able to get through a dark, dark season of long, cold nights.

The first Christmas without Mum

I was absolutely dreading my first Christmas without Mum. She died of cancer when I was 27.

A really good thing for me was joining a support group. I used to bring my family along as well. You get to share stories, and get to know people, and make some good friends and I had people to talk to who really understand.

Christmas had always been such a special family time. All I can remember about that first Christmas was the dread, the depression and the tears that fell. I felt like I would feel that low forever. The grief was overwhelming.

What I learned is just to keep talking about my mum. I can’t make new memories with her, but I can talk about her. And it just feels a lot better, really. You start to learn that everybody’s got something. And it brings you all together, and you can just learn from each other, really.

I’m learning to manage my overspending

Over the years, one of the symptoms of my bipolar has been impulsive spending. I've had to do a lot of work to try and understand how I can manage my money.

Every December, retail therapy is a real risk for me. I have a planned budget, but it can be hard to stick to it. I feel great for a few hours, but then I think ‘what have I done?’ – and the guilt kicks in, which can trigger a spiral into low mood.

Now I try to follow these four rules to help me.

1. I shop online so I’m not in a shopping centre with all the lights and helpful assistants where I feel more pressure to spend money.
2. I follow the ‘24-hour rule’ where I have to wait a day before I buy anything.
3. I make gifts – like cookies or a cake – which show the true value of love and friendship and which are much less expensive.
4. I talk to my dad and my brother who help me look after my pot of money and stop me spending it all in one go.

I have to say, it’s taken me a very long time to learn to budget and I feel lighter for finally understanding ‘money’ – it’s really difficult!

I’m strict with my routine

What I’ve learned is that that having a proper routine is my best friend and at the core of helping me to stay well. I eat, sleep and exercise at the same time every day – and that really does help my mood to stay stable.

I used to work in London and I was out and drinking all the time, especially around Christmas. If I’m out socially, I tell the people closest to me that I need to leave at a certain time. I also set an alarm on my phone that says, ‘go home now’.

I’m strict with it because I need my sleep. I'd rather be seen as the person who leaves early than having to deal with the burnout for weeks afterwards.

I’ve also invested in a SAD lamp and during the winter months I put it on each morning whilst I’m getting ready for work. It definitely helps me to feel more uplifted, although it did take a few days before I started to see a real difference.

Finally, after many years of dealing with this condition, I’ve now learned to speak to someone – either my family or my doctor – if I notice my routine is slipping. That means I can catch the symptoms early and hopefully stay well over Christmas and beyond.

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