‘I’d never considered myself as someone with mental ill-health.’

Content warning: this article mentions suicide attempts.

Thirteen years passed from receiving my first mental health diagnosis of severe depression and anxiety in my mid-20s, to bipolar disorder as I was approaching 40.

I know that’s over the average time for a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, which is 9.5 years. This simply isn’t good enough and has a severely detrimental impact on people’s lives.

Life before my bipolar diagnosis

Before the initial diagnosis, I knew something wasn’t right, but I didn’t necessarily know that it was due to my mental health. I’d never really considered myself as someone with mental ill-health.

Anyway, as time wore on, I knew what I was experiencing was more than just depression. I spoke with numerous health professionals, over several years, none of whom wanted to entertain my view that I might have bipolar disorder.

I wanted to get the right treatment

It was by chance, during an appointment with a psychiatrist, that he asked whether I thought I might have bipolar disorder. While I wasn’t searching for the diagnosis, I wanted affirmation that I was right all along. It was more about getting the right treatment.

The psychiatrist said being incorrectly treated with anti-depressants alone was, to use his word, ‘dangerous’, as they were only for the depressive side of bipolar disorder, not acting as mood stabilisers.

It took 18 months to find the right medication

I was prescribed mood stabilisers, and it took about 18 months to find the right blend and dose. One main side effect has been weight gain, approximately eight stones in twelve years.

However, my diet is poor, and I don’t exercise, so I can’t blame the medication as much as I used to, though my physical health has been affected.

Another effect of my medication has been brain fog. It’s affected my cognitive function, where I sometimes can’t think properly or remember things. I now struggle to get my words out at times, often losing my thread when trying to form sentences.

Psychotherapy has been helpful

I’ve received psychotherapy in recent years, including support from a psychologist that proved particularly useful. It helped me to understand myself, why I am the way I am, and how this has been the case since my early years.

Living with bipolar can be incredibly challenging

Unfortunately, as lots of people do, I’ve experienced significant problems with the Community Mental Health Team that I was accessing, so have been in something of a treatment black hole for over a year.

I know that access to appropriate services is so important to Bipolar UK, and this is certainly relevant to my current situation.

I have attempted suicide a few times. While they were among the most traumatising experiences of my life so far, it’s shown that I can, somehow, survive the very worst times.

I still experience depression a lot, and everything that comes with it, but I just try to get by as best as I can.

Looking ahead  

I’m now building on years of working in the mental health field, by turning the worst lived experiences into something positive, by studying for an MSc in Mental Health.

Combined with the other research work I’m involved in, my hope is to make a difference in the development and delivery of health services for people like me.