'I have got to know more about myself, what my triggers are and how to help monitor them'

Early life 

I was an only child, so I was protected a lot and molly coddled. I had a difficult childhood as I felt I was controlled and not allowed to do things my boy cousins could. I was compared a lot to my cousins, and I never felt I was good enough.  

There was also violence in our home as I think my mum found it difficult to cope with her emotions, particularly anger. I have had to learn to forgive her to help me heal so that I don’t hold that burden of pain. No one has a book on how to be a parent and only now that I am one do I realise how hard it was for my mum. 

Getting a diagnosis 

I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2007. My trigger was when I had my first child. In the hospital I couldn’t sleep and felt anxious because another patient was suffering with her mental health. The situation got worse when I came home and I experienced psychosis and was referred to a mental health hospital. During this time, I became paranoid as I was on my own and I didn’t know why I was there. 

A lot of people block out traumatic experiences from their lives. For me, I could remember everything that happened during my manic episode. I saw messages in number plates and was hallucinating images of a child in a window and spiders that were not there. 

In the hospital I felt vulnerable, cold and isolated. I kept ringing people to tell them to get me out of there. I didn’t want to take medication. In my mind I couldn’t understand why my family put me in hospital away from my baby.  

I was later moved to a specialist mother and baby unit where I could be treated alongside my baby. I slowly improved once I started taking my medication and was on the road to recovery. 

After diagnosis 

When I first got my bipolar diagnosis, I didn’t know what it was and was confused. It took a long time to get a diagnosis of what type of bipolar I had, as it was not entirely clear. I didn’t know anything about bipolar until I started reading about it. When I went to attend the ‘Mood on Track’ course, I was able to get a much better understanding of the condition. I’m still learning about bipolar though reading books and looking on bipolar websites as part of my development. I want to become the best version of myself. 

Life with bipolar 

After the death of my father, bereavement caused a relapse. I didn’t process the loss as I started studying for my master’s, which meant it came back to haunt me a year later. I didn’t understand or realise the process and importance of grief and going through the motions. Giving yourself time to grieve is important. Allowing rest and checking in how you are feeling helps you to cope with the loss. Time heals but you need to allow it to heal you. 

In my bipolar journey each relapse episode has been different, and the coping strategies have been different, too. Through this journey I have learned a lot about myself. I’ve started to recognise ‘prodromal symptoms’, or early warning signs. I have developed my own wellness tool with my husband, a bit like Bipolar UK’s Mood Tracker app. 

I check in with myself during the day now to see how I feel, or if I’m overwhelmed. I have in the past put alarm reminders to take breaks and do some mindfulness or meditation. I’ve realised that I need to put less pressure on myself to get things done. An example is sorting or tidying one room at a time. Self-care is also important to me such as having a soak in the bath, listening to relaxing kirtan or music. 

I understand that medicine needs to be taken for life. Prevention is better than cure so any strategies that help remission is important. I sometimes found that a drowsy antihistamine, lavender oil or sleeping tablets with magnesium, helped with relaxation and sleep (but please talk to your GP about any new medications). Staying in touch with the mental health team, even if appointments are once every 6 months, can help so that any changes can be picked up as soon as possible. 

Other things I’ve found useful: journalling, massages, naps, being creative and cooking.  

Recognising warning signs and triggers 

Through my experience of bipolar I have got to know more about myself, what my physical and emotional triggers are and how to help monitor them. Also, I feel it's important to think of what I can do to prevent relapse. Recognising early warning signs can be helpful. One challenge I’ve faced, along with my husband, is spotting if a change in symptoms is the beginning of a relapse or a normal blip. Regular monitoring of my normal helps me to identify these early signs. 

Big celebrations such as birthdays, weddings or Christmas can be a trigger for me. Seasonal changes such as summertime have been overstimulating, as children are off school, and also holidays with the extended family.  

When going abroad, having an awareness of flight time and disruption in sleep patterns has been helpful for me. Now we try to be mindful of when we fly. I also lean more on mindfulness and meditation techniques during difficult times and I focus hard on my routine. 

Support from loved ones 

As a couple, we look at how we can support each other. In the past my husband has looked at my diary to see how much is going on, he also checks in with me during the day to ensure I take breaks and if I slept ok at night, which is an important element to prevent relapse. I know not everyone is so lucky but having a supportive partner has been great for my stability. 

I have realised now that I need to be honest with how I feel, which helps to pick up any subtle change in mood. This way we can get help as soon as possible. I have had to realise that my family are there to help and support me even when I may not be self-aware. An advance choice document has helped me in further relapses. This ensures that in the document you will take medication or will receive support from your family.  

For anyone thinking about a diagnosis 

With bipolar you may feel you are not yourself but remember it is not going to last forever. You must believe that you will get through it, and that everything happens for a reason. Don’t be afraid of your diagnosis, try to be open to get the support you need. You’re not alone. Let those close to you know what support you need. 

When you are well you may feel you don’t need medication anymore. But remember that the medication can help you to be stable long term. Get support from you GP or the mental health team, don’t be afraid of your diagnosis and try to be open. 

Bipolar in the South Asian community 

Bipolar is often misunderstood and undiagnosed in South Asian communities, where stigma can prevent open conversations about mental health. Some may view mental illness through cultural or spiritual beliefs, such as Black magic or karam (a consequence of actions in a past life). This can make it harder for people and families to get support.  

Being more aware of the condition may help people in the community get help sooner. In my experience, many families are scared of mental illness and unsure what it means for their loved one’s future. Questions about whether the person will get better or return to “normal” can create a lot of fear and uncertainty.  

There can be pressure to keep a diagnosis private because of concerns about what members of the community might think. I remember my mum asking, “Why did it happen to you and not your cousins?” Comments like this reflect the stigma that still exists. Harmful attitudes, including the belief that having a mental health condition will affect someone’s chances of marriage, can leave people feeling alone an unable to talk openly about their experience. 

Education and awareness are key to changing attitudes. Organisations like Taraki, Sehat, the Sikh Helpline etc are helping open up conversations about mental health in South Asian communities. However, I think more needs to be done locally as well as more research, so that services better reflect the needs of South Asian people and their families.